Transcript of the Million Pound Radio Show Pirates sketch, written by Nick Revell and Andy Hamilton:
The year is 1631, and the Spanish Main is being terrorised by that most barbaric of pirates, Captain Black-skull – a man who rules his ship through tyranny and terror.
Capt: Now listen here, you scurvy sons of dogs! Round the next bay be a galleon full of Spanish doubloons, bound for Espanola, only it ain’t gonna get there, see, cause we’re gonna board it, and slit the gizzards of the crew ‘til the bilges are awash with their blood, and then we helps ourselves to the gold! Whaddaya say, me hearties, shall we go cut some throats? Har harrr!
Pirate: No, cap’n!
Capt: Whaddaya mean ‘no’?!
Pirate: I means no, captain. We don’t like the way you’re running this here ship, and we reckons we ain’t gonna stand for it no more. Reckons we’ve had enough, ain’t we boys?
Crew: That’s right, we’ve ad enough!
Capt: Oh, I gets it, you stinkin swabs! You wants a better share of the loot, does ya?
Pirate: No, captain!
Capt: Then I suppose you wants my treasure map which shows where I buried the treasure from that thar Portuguese man o’ war?
Pirate: No, captain!
Capt: Then what **do** you want?
Pirate: We wants – a training day!
Capt: A training day?!
Pirate: We wants a training day, preferably in a nice hotel near Hastings. Where all us sea dogs can sit us down, and pool our experience, compare work methods, and prioritise objectives, damn your eyes!
Capt: Prioritise objectives?!
Pirate 2: Aye, and improve our communication skills!
Pirate: That’s right! There’s not a man on this ship what knows how to use any tense apart from the present.
Capt: That’s cos you’re pirates! And ever since pirates – begins – pirates only speaks in the present tense, does pirates! First man on this ship as uses the past or pluperfect tense dies where he stands!
Pirate 2: He wouldn’t dare!
Capt: Or a conditional… And the next one what mentions training days will be keel hauled, dragged beneath the ship til the barnacles rip open his belly and death comes as a merciful blessing, hahahaha!
First Mate: Well, that’s no way to motivate people, is it?
Capt: Don’t you start, first mate.
First Mate: Threatening to rip open the bellies of your staff – call that man management?
Pirate: Well, he’s no real managerial grounding, see, he was a plain midshipman originally! Ee should go on a course or something, you know…
Capt: Quiet, you insolent lubbers!
Pirate: Well, give us our training day! ‘Ow else are we supposed to meet the challenges of the 1640s?
Pirate 3: We wants an occupational health officer!
Pirate: Aye, and a crèche!
Capt: Silence! Any more of your mutinous whinin’, and I’ll rip out your eyes and feed them to the sharks. I’m the captain, do ya hear, and this ship be mine! Mine!
Pirate: On captain Kid’s ship, they get to do role play!
Capt: Shut up!
Pirate: All get to do each others’ job for a day… Got a new captain now. Bosun ‘Arris liked being Captain so much, ‘e ‘ad the old captain thrown overboard!
Capt: Well here’s some role playin’ : I’ll play the captain, and you play a man ‘oo’s about to be stabbed!
Boy: Ship ahoy! A Spanish Galleon!
Capt: Now listen ‘ere you filthy dogs, that there galleon is full of gold, and we be pirates, and pirates don’t need training days! All pirates needs is a black heart, and a sharp cutlass! Whaddaya say, lubbers? Will you follow your captain as we storm that thar galleon?! Cos pirates is bold and brave and lives for the moment, see, so in a moment we sails alongside that there galleon, swings across on our boarding ropes, cuts the throats of any Spanish soldier what stands in our way, and then loads ourselves up with silver and gold!
Crew: Silver and gold!
Capt: And then we piles up all the treasure on the main deck, and we counts it doubloons by doubloons, jewel by jewel, and then – once we know how much booty we’ve gained through our deeds of black-hearted, blood-soaked evil, we’ll gather it all up, and invest in a nice little pension scheme! Whaddaya say, me hearties?
Crew: Arrrr! A nice little pension scheme!